Merry Christmas Aunt M.

I really miss you this Christmas.
I was looking at pictures of your husband and your 3 daughters and your SON, I would have loved to have you here for some advice on raising a son.  You would have done a perfect job.
I would love to have you here for any advice.
I would love to have you here, period.
But I know where you are its glorious.  And its painless, and loving, and shining, and beautiful, and warm, and all of the millions of great things ever imagined.
But sometimes it is still hard.  I love you.

Merry Christmas, Aunt M.

I love you.

Mallorie

Mommie Vs. the DVD player

In an effort to save Cars 2 from the DVD player, an epic battle began.  A battle Mommie did not take lightly (since this movie will keep WA quiet long enough for me to get a nice relaxing lavendar bath for ten minutes).

Mommie won.

All hail Mommie!

And all is right and good with WA!

Cheers!

WA's Momma

What MY KID is into...

I am asked "why?" about 47,563 times a day on every subject known to man.

Everything from the toothpaste to his crusty pants I am trying to remove are "mine."

And Legos.  Which is cool.  I liked Legos.

Cheers.

WA's Momma

The Dasher Express, Year Two

Every year the Virginia Railway Express (VRE) hosts the Santa Trains.  For $6 per person, the entire family can ride the train with Santa, Mrs. Claus, and carolers from local schools.  Each family that purchases tickets for the train ride is asked to being an unwrapped toy for the United States Marine Corp's Tpys For Tots program.  WA obligingley gave a set of tanks to ride the train with Santa and get a chance to tell him what he wanted for Christmas.  Which was cars.  Shocker.

We have made this ride a tradition.  WA had a great time.  Enjoy!

CHOOOOOOO CHOOOOOO!

WA's Momma

P.S. Merry Christmas!

Youre A Mean One, Mr Grinch

And WA wanted nothing to do with him.

We went on a carriage ride through Downtown Fredericksburg with the Grinch this year.  It is all part of our weekend after weekend of events to ring in the holidays!

WA went with his favorite buddy Jack, and their mommas.

 WA still loves horses so this was super fun for him.  Once he got away from the Grinch of course. And it was only $5.  Totally worth it too!

Merry Christmas All!

Stay tuned for Dasher Express Year Two, and The Light Show from the Village.

Fall 2011

Yes, I am several weeks late on this one...but here it is.

We went to Belvedere Plantation again and WA had a blast.  We rode tricycles (and lined them up as with all things WA can roll or push), fed the goats, and my big guy even went down the slide on his own this year.

And he did not cry at all when he decided to do a  faceplant after all of this fun!

Cheers!

WA's Momma.

Child Abuduction and Murder in Canton, GA

As a mom, this just breaks my heart. This is my hometown so it hits close to home for two reasons.
I pray God is holding this little sweetheart in Heaven and wrapping his arms around her family while they grieve.

photo courtesy of www.ajc.com

Such a terrible tragedy.

Sadly, and with a heavy heart,

WA's Momma

Happy Birthday!

My little guy is turning three.  THREE!  I cannot believe it.  I am one year away from a more calm and self sufficient child.

WA and I got to celebrate his birthday with all of his first and second cousins.  I'm not sure when this will happen again, but I got a picture of them ALL together.  There were four missing of course, but they live quite a ways a way for a day trip.

Anyway, as always, I am so thankful that WA entered our lives through a woman I will love like a sister until my last breath.  Thank you, Jamie.

Cheers!

WA's Momma

November: Adoption Month!

November is National Adoption Month and it also happens to be my kid's birthmonth!  Come on 3!

Our story started in November 2008, the day before Thanksgiving, actually.  We got a call that we were being considered by a woman in Delaware who just gave birth to a baby boy.  That was the longest 4 hours of my life.  The first call came in at 8am and the second at noon.  We were surrounded by family when we found out we were going to be parents!  How awesome is that?

We got the last flight out the night before Thanksgiving and headed to Delaware with our newly purchased car seat, a pac and play, and stomachs full of anxiety.

Will she like us?
Will we be good enough parents?
Will we get to hold him right away?
Oh shit.  We dont have clothes, or diapers, or blankets...

We met WA's birthmother at 930am and she led us down to NICU because she wanted to "introduce him personally to his new parents".  My heart melted.  My first glance at that sweet sleeping boy was pure and utter love.  I imagine it might be how a mother would feel right after giving birth, but I wont know for sure.  All I knew was I loved him.  I loved him, very much.  And I loved her.

Her story is not mine to tell, but she will always have a huge room in my heart.  She is like a sister to me.  We spent some good quality time together while my Kentucky Gentleman stayed behind in NICU with WA.  We are very much alike in small ways and in much larger ways.  And we are forever connected by this wonderful being that we love so much.  I know she loves him because the choice she made to not parent him, and hand him over to me, completely trusting that I would do a wonderful job, was a difficult choice.  A very difficult choice.  And she did it.  She put aside any selfishness and made the hardest decision of her life.  And I dont take that lightly.  I will spread the word high and low, so that no one, anywhere, anytime will ever take that lightly.  I do not know how it feels to place your baby for adoption, or choose an alternative lifestyle but I do know it IS difficult.  It is by no means "the easy way out".

And I will love her for the rest of my life because she gave me the most wonderful and amazing gift that anyone could ever give me.

That is my adoption story and I am willing to share it with anyone who will listen so they know that it is beautiful and loving and not scary and selfish.

Oh, and remember a few paragraphs back when I said "oh shit we dont have any clothes, diapers, bottles, etc"?  Well, we have amazing friends.  I got home to a surprise shower with 60+ people in attendance with everything I could possibly need for this baby for his first year of life.  I'll be eternally grateful for all of them.

Cheers!  And Happy National Adoption Month!

And make sure you also read this blog, because people can say some really messed up shit about adoption, and quite frankly, it has to stop.

Nine Eleven

I have tried to start this blog entry many, many, many times.

I just cant find the right words to truly express the feelings Im feeling.

Im sure most of America is in the same boat tonight and tomorrow.

It sucks.  Im angry.  Im sad.  Im confused.  Im traumatized.  Im devastated.

The only thing I can type without backing up, or starting over is that on September 11, 2001, I was 24 years old.  I had returned to my apartment in the Brookhaven area of Atlanta the night before from Philadelphia, PA.  My husband called me just after 9am that morning and was shouting at me to turn on the news.  I was walking out of the bathroom in hospital scrub pants and a liquor promo t-shirt half asleep.  I turned on the little tube TV we had in our room on the dresser just in time to see the second plane slam into the World Trade Center and I swear I will never forget the anchorperson losing it on national television.  I must have hung up on my husband and stood there in shock for what seemed like hours...because the next thing I remember is working at Chili's as a waitress and taking food to the bloodbank up the street and seeing lines and lines and lines of people out the door donating blood.

That is my experience from that day.  There are moments of total clarity, and then moments I had totally blacked out.  I think all of us have those types of memories.  And like I said, it sucks.

Love,

WA's Momma

The Difference A Year Makes...

Wow.

One year ago today I ran my first foot race.  It was only 3 miles and I am still working on trying to run the entire thing, but again, wow.  What a difference a year makes.  I am smoke free, skinnier, healthier and much much happier.  I am in the gym six days a week and love every minute of it.  Never thought I would hear myself say that.  Three years ago, I was creeping up on 200 pounds, pre-diabetic, a smoker and a lush.

I have signed up for a 5K (or 10K) pretty much every month since and I have a race scheduled every month for the rest of this year.  Ive also beat my first race with my latest race by a whole 8 minutes.  And don't forget, I ran a 5K while on vacation.  I am a totally different person!  And I love it!

Ive also added a few more athletic events to my schedule.  On Tuesday, instead of Ladies Night Out at the bar, we will be rock climbing at SportRock Alexandria.  In October, I will be competing in my first ever golf tournament.  So what if I am doing it for the female camaraderie and the beer (maybe you cant rule out the lush part entirely, yet)?  And let me add, there are some serious obstacle courses in my future...Big Hoo Yah, anyone?

And the best reason for all of these races, golf tournaments and obstacle courses?  Fundraising!  Ive raised money for food for the homeless, pediatric/breast/lung cancer, teen mothers, the YMCA support campaign (which is close to my heart), Special Olympics, Ronald McDonald House Charities (also close to my heart and where I happily got to reside when WA was in NICU) and many more!  It is a great feeling to be able to give back to your community!

And living a healthy lifestyle for my awesome kid is the best thing I can do for him!

Cheers!

WA's Momma

Mommyland Part II, no thank you...

This post could condemn me to Mommy Hell, or maybe some of you will identify.  As I am typing, my son is taking his nap in front of his bedroom door, on the floor where he finally gave up his tantrum.  More on that later...

I went in for a sonogram on Wednesday.  I am being fitted for an IUD and they just wanted to take a look.  Well, I went in for birth control and came out with a lab slip for a pregnancy test.  Ironic?  Stranger things have happened.  My cousin went in for birth control after the birth of her first child and came out pregnant with twins.  God bless her.  She was blessed with the most patience out of all of us.  Clearly she was due it since God had this plan set for her life.  Now back to me...

Anyway, I got the results today and it was negative.  You would think with my history of infertility this would make me sad.  But I am actually happy.  I am ready to be active again and plan adventurous outings for my myself, me and my husband, and some for the three of us as a family.  My son is getting older and his abilities to participate in things like team sports are increasing.  I don't want to start all over. 

Okay, those of you that want to condemn me to mommy-hell, go right ahead.  Having another child might be what is best for you, but I don't think it is what is best for me.  Here are some more reasons why:

I didn't like children before I had them.  Okay, maybe that is too harsh. I was intimidated by children.  I still am.  Especially other peoples' children.  They are these tiny little things who have a sinister way of getting things when they want them.

I don't have much patience.  I have very bad heart health history in my family.  I have always had low blood pressure...until WA entered the world of the Terrible Twos.  I mean, he struck that shit with a vengeance.  My sister called him "Chill Will" for the first year of his life.  He was always quiet, observant, well behaved.  I thought, "wow, I am so lucky".  Those days are gone.  He is a destructive, violent, smart-mouthed, tantrum throwing boy.  At night I am so spent I cant even read a book or watch a movie anymore.  I'm asleep by 10pm at the latest.  I want to pull my hair out.  He fights me on everything from dinner to naps.  I finally walked away from the daily nap battle today.  Which is why he is sleeping in the doorway of his room where right before he fell asleep he was screaming and kicking the living shit out of the baby gate.  I felt like smoke was going to come out of my ears, which is why I just walked out and into my room to start working on this blog entry.  If it weren't for this blog and my daily gym visits, I would be guzzling wine and smoking a ton of cigarettes while running down the street screeching and bald-headed.

I am ready to get back just 10% of the "me" before marriage and children.  There were so many things I loved to do that were healthy and active and fun.  I want to be able to do those things again, if only to keep me mentally healthy and sane.  My husband and I are due some couple time after 12 long years together.  We spent 5 years on the infertility roller coaster and another one on the adoption train.  Those two things can test a marriage just like an affair or finances.  Trust me.

Still, when WA calls me "mommy", or plants a random kiss on my cheek or comes and sits in my lap to snuggle, I seem to forget all of those tantrums, body slams, and face slaps.

I just don't want to go through it again.  the Terrible Twos, I mean.  I am satisfied with my life and with WA.  He brings me enough joy.  I cant say that I didn't walk into my guest room yesterday afternoon and wonder how I would set up a new nursery, but my life is so full that a negative pregnancy test doesn't matter nearly as much as it used to.  And I really don't want to spend months agonizing over wether or not the pregnancy will stick.  Suffering a miscarriage is devastating in itself.  I've had two. 

I know how lucky I am with WA, please don't misunderstand me.  I was in a very dark childless place for a long time.  I am thankful God blessed me with him, but I just know he is all I can handle.  I don't know how all of you with 2+ children do it, but I will eternally admire you!

Besides, I need God to bless my friend "E" with a little angel.  I don't need another one.

Happy Mommyhood!

Mallorie

Bucket Lists and 5 Year Plans...

I have been thinking a lot about Bucket Lists and Five Year Plans. 

My newest issue of Self magazine has a great article on how to create a Five Year Plan, and research suggests its great for everyone to have one.  So I am working on mine.

I have set some reachable goals for the near future.  I'm not sure if you would consider them "bucket list items" or plans I have for myself in the next five years, but what's the difference?  I'll reach them anyway...

For one thing, I decided I wanted to learn how to rock climb.  With the recent revival of "girls night out", I thought this was a fitting outing.  We don't want to spend all of our nights out involved in just drunken debauchery.  We are all active and athletic (mostly) young (under 40) ladies.  We want to do something fun and exciting.  Binge drinking and getting phone numbers was so "twenties" for us.  In other words, we have almost twenty years of experience, we already mastered that.  We have moved on to more challenging goals.  At least that is what we are telling ourselves these days.  So we enrolled in a rock climbing course/outing that lasts 4 hours.  Cant wait!  I'm afraid of heights.

Next on my immediate goals is Fencing.  I do not know anything about fencing but it looks snobby and different so we are going to break on in to that crowd and see if we like it.  Its only $60 for an 8 week course, so what the hell?

And on my usual and normal list, I will continue my French lessons, road races (adding some bicycle ones) and tennis.  Stay tuned for awesome pictures of my newest and super fun goals!

Before I was a wife and a mother, I loved motorcycles (so much), kayaking, hiking and writing.  I'll get back to those as well.  Still working on the motorcycle thing with my Kentucky Gentleman.  He's a little nervous.  The good news is, we have a neighbor with a bike.  Hee hee.

Cheers!

W.A.'s Momma

Grandmothers and Grandmothers

Me and Grandma Edna, 1978

Recently, I learned an old friend's grandmother passed away.  His news reminded me of my grandmother and made the grief fresh again.  We spoke over the phone briefly, and I could just tell how "beat up" he sounded.  I lost my Grandma Edna three years ago this December.  I know how he is feeling right now.  Its terrible.

I miss so many things about her.  I miss her apple turnovers in the Fall.  I miss her smell.  It was her cosmetic powder from Lady Love.  I miss her love for her roses and her garden.  I miss her sewing dresses for all seven of her granddaughters at Easter.  I miss how she always inadvertently left a $20 bill out of someone's Christmas card.  She had a lot of grandchildren to remember.  I miss her housecoats and her permanents.  I miss her voice when she sang in the choir, one of the reasons I still cannot sit through a church service without crying.

Most of all, I miss her really really tight hugs and the lipstick she left on your face after kissing you.  I will always hold these memories so clear in my heart.  But it hurts sometimes knowing they are only memories now.

Sincerely,

W.A.'s Momma

Super (un)Size...

I just hit my goal size!  I don't pay much attention to my weight anymore but I have lost a ton of inches and finally TODAY, hit my goal size.

I bought my very first ever pair of skinny jeans.  They are a size 8, and I must admit, I look great in them.  I  am finally starting to see glimpses of my twenty-two year old butt.  I'm not stopping either.  There are only two more sizes and twenty or so pounds to go before I am the size I was at my high school graduation...

Go me!

And when I make it there in four months I have decided to reward myself with a great birthday present!  But the best part is, I am teaching my son healthy habits!

Cheers!

W.A.'s Momma

Bye Summer...

Summer is coming to an end...

We had a great Summer, how about you?

Fall is my absolute favorite time of year. I cannot wait for campfires, football, chili, chillier weather, pumpkins, Halloween and Thanksgiving...

Hope you all enjoyed your summer.

Cheers!

W.A.'s Momma

Luray Caverns

A couple of weeks ago, we took a trip to Luray Caverns.  It was fun but not a trip I would recommend for children under 5.  The tour lasted a little over an hour and is totally boring for small children.  But it was beautiful.  I am always fascinated by Nature's wonders...

Cheers!

W.A.'s Momma

The Limit

I think I have reached my limit of stress.

Last week I witnessed my first (and only, I hope) earthquake.  Four "aftershocks" followed.  Yesterday, WA fell off his tricycle and got the nastiest black eye I have ever seen.  This week, we are preparing for Hurricane Irene.  Pack those onto the family stress I have been dealing with and I honestly think I have reached my limit.

But I haven't.

I'm sure there is something lurking out there.  Please do not misunderstand me.  I am not a pessimist.  What I mean is, there is always something more that could be piled on and I know I will be fine.  You've heard that saying "it could always be worse".  I will find a way to deal with it.  That is what being "mom" means, right?  I have no idea where it came from but one of my personality traits (I'm very proud to say this) is that I am extremely good at "adapting".  I can vent like a madwoman but I have always been successful at "rolling with the punches" and finding "solutions".  Because its just what you do.  And that is what I will do this week, and next week and even next month when I am sure I will get terrible news. 

I do not have all the answers and sometimes even my faith can be shaken, but the one thing I know for sure, and that I keep in mind during my darkest hours is this:  someone out there has it worse than me.

Someone probably lost their child to cancer today.  Someone is wondering how they will pay their power bill tomorrow before it is shut off.  Someone out there has no idea where their next meal is coming from.  And someone out there is battling addiction and is lost to their family who love them immensely.

I have clothes, food and shelter.  I have a healthy son.  I have a husband who works hard to provide for me and my son.  I have healthy relationships.

Cheers!

W.A.'s Momma

Horses...

WA is infatuated with horses.

It is kind of a "sign" for me.  I grew up with horses and his birth mother was very fond of them, she even used to work with therapy horses.  When I met her in the hospital almost three years ago, Trey and I brought her a bracelet with horse charms on it.

We were in Kentucky when we got the call so we bought something at the airport on our way back to meet her.  It happened that it was a perfect gift.

Another "coincidence", I now remember fondly, was while Trey and I were in Kentucky in November 2006.  We went to the Breeders Cup at Churchill Downs and on a wild hair I bought a stuffed pony.  My niece was due three weeks from then and I thought maybe I would give it to her.

I never gave Eva that pony for some reason.  It just kind of got lost during her birth and aftercare (she had medical issues the first few months).  WA has been carrying that pony around for 2 years.  Its nasty and dirty and it smells.  We even found a replacement from the Internet, but he knows the difference.

Somehow, horses come up in our lives quite often.  My sister Brandie loves horses and she is WA's Godmother.  Her daughter Eva loves horses.  I once sent her a stuffed horse after one of her many surgeries.  And with WA's birth mother and myself having our connection to horses, well, I think it is something entirely cosmic. Maybe it isn't, but it all seems to make sense to me. 
Ive been thinking lately, how I would love to have a horse again.  I don't ride anymore, but its therapeutic to brush horses, clean them and care for them.  Its calming.  I am guessing that is why they use horses in recovery.  There is something beautiful about them.  They are strong and hot-headed, but need a lot of care.

Maybe when WA is older we'll get our chance.  Just have to sell my Kentucky Gentleman on the idea.

Cheers!

W.A.'s Momma

How do you mourn someone who isnt even dead?

Forgive me, this is a serious post...

I suppose its something like mourning someone who is missing because you aren't quite sure if they are still out there somewhere.  Or perhaps it isn't, because all along you have slowly watched that person killing their real selves and becoming someone completely strange to you.

Whether its addiction or mental illness, the result is the same.  Someone you love is clearly harming themselves and you are powerless to stop it so all you can do is just stand by and watch.  And that is the part that hurts the most, I think.

But then, you finally come to the realization that this person isn't going to change and they are not going to realize the dangerous path they are on, so you begin the process of mourning them because you have to cut them out of your life.  You have to stick to your "consequences".

How do you mourn someone who isn't dead? 

I imagine I will do as most people when they lose a loved one.  I will keep myself busy...

I'll finish that book I started to write.
I'll pour myself into my charity work.
I'll continue renovating my kitchen.
I'll raise my son and busy myself with his activities.
My house will always be clean.
My laundry will always be done.
I'll train for that marathon.
I'll spend more time with friends.  I do have supportive friends.
I'll make my husband happy.
I'll restart that book club.
I'll get that Ladies Cooking Club off the ground.
I will build my business.
I'll pour myself into my writing because that truly makes me happy (and its cathartic, they say).

But when I lay my head down at night to fall asleep, all of those thoughts will creep in to my mind and just take over.  That is when the grief will just pour over me and I'll wonder, "When will it lessen?".  And the truthful answer is, I don't think it ever will, because I will always hold out hope that this person will find that rock bottom and come back to us.  This is a relationship that will be devastating to lose.  This relationship has always profoundly affected how I saw myself for many years.  This person has always been too close to me to not consult about my big "life decisions".  But I have my family to take care of. 

I have my son to guide through a life, and keep him safe (from earthquakes too, apparently).  He will have a lot on his plate in a few years time, and he needs me to show him how to make healthy decisions and set healthy boundaries.  I have to be that example for him.

In my mind I know all of this, but in my heart I still wonder...

...how do you mourn someone who isn't really dead?

W.A.'s Momma

Pediatric Cancer

Every day 46 children will be diagnosed with Pediatric Cancer.  Some of them will fight with all of their strength and win, and still, some will not.

Declan Carmical lost his battle with AT/RT a year ago this month just shy of his first birthday.  Declan left behind two grieving parents and 3 brothers (one of them being his twin brother, Cole).  If you havent read Declan's story, I strongly suggest you check it out here.  With immense grief in her heart, Declan's mother started Journey 4 A Cure, a charity dedicated to raising money to find a cure for pediatric cancer in hopes that she could save other children and keep Declan's fate from being some other parent's nightmare.

I'm prepared to help her.

Pediatric cancer is the number one killer of our children and it can be stopped.

Vote at the Vivint Gives Back Project.  You'll find the link on this page.  Thier donating $ 250,000 and J4AC will use that money to fund a CURE for pediatric cancer.


Cheers!

W.A.'s Momma

Now, go vote.

Blackberry Cobbler

Blackberry Cobbler (from Betty Crocker)

2 1/2 cups blackberries (thawed or fresh)
1 cup Sugar (I used organic, fair trade)
1 cup milk
1 cup flour
2 tsp baking powder
2 Tbsp butter or margarine
1/2 tsp salt

Preheat oven to 375 degrees.
Mix berries and sugar and set aside for twenty minutes (until syrup forms).
Mix together remaining ingredients until batter is smooth.
Spoon batter into ungreased 8" pan.
Spoon berry mixture on top.
Cook for 45-55 minutes.
This recipe says not to substitute blueberries.
Enjoy!

Cheers.

W.A.'s Momma

Blackberry Picking with my Best Friends

Photo Essays

My hard working husband finally broke and bought me my big girl camera.  I have alot of learning ahead of me.  I want to take better photos and really get my money's worth.   So...my next few blog posts will be what is known  as photo essays.  Thanks to my neighbor, Edwige, I have a book called 150 Projects to Strengthen Your Photography Skills (by John Easterby).  One of them happens to be photo essays.
 
Stay tuned for berry picking at Westmoreland Berry Farms and Cobbler Cookin'.

Plus, this picture taking has turned out to be very relaxing.  My close friends and family know what kind of immense stress (and desperation) I have been under lately.  And of you would like to pray for me, that would be great too!

Thanks for stopping by.

Cheers!

W.A.'s Momma

Happy Vacation from Hilton Head Island!

Hilton Head Island is one of my most favorite places in earth.  I love South Carolina's Lowcountry with all of my being and hope to retire here someday.  These pictures are just some of the things that remind me of this beautiful place.

Most importantly, I live being with my family here.  We had a great Independence Day celebration at Harbor Town.  Hope you enjoyed your holiday as well!

Cheers!

W.A.'s Momma