This post could condemn me to Mommy Hell, or maybe some of you will identify. As I am typing, my son is taking his nap in front of his bedroom door, on the floor where he finally gave up his tantrum. More on that later...
I went in for a sonogram on Wednesday. I am being fitted for an IUD and they just wanted to take a look. Well, I went in for birth control and came out with a lab slip for a pregnancy test. Ironic? Stranger things have happened. My cousin went in for birth control after the birth of her first child and came out pregnant with twins. God bless her. She was blessed with the most patience out of all of us. Clearly she was due it since God had this plan set for her life. Now back to me...
Anyway, I got the results today and it was negative. You would think with my history of infertility this would make me sad. But I am actually happy. I am ready to be active again and plan adventurous outings for my myself, me and my husband, and some for the three of us as a family. My son is getting older and his abilities to participate in things like team sports are increasing. I don't want to start all over.
Okay, those of you that want to condemn me to mommy-hell, go right ahead. Having another child might be what is best for you, but I don't think it is what is best for me. Here are some more reasons why:
I didn't like children before I had them. Okay, maybe that is too harsh. I was intimidated by children. I still am. Especially other peoples' children. They are these tiny little things who have a sinister way of getting things when they want them.
I don't have much patience. I have very bad heart health history in my family. I have always had low blood pressure...until WA entered the world of the Terrible Twos. I mean, he struck that shit with a vengeance. My sister called him "Chill Will" for the first year of his life. He was always quiet, observant, well behaved. I thought, "wow, I am so lucky". Those days are gone. He is a destructive, violent, smart-mouthed, tantrum throwing boy. At night I am so spent I cant even read a book or watch a movie anymore. I'm asleep by 10pm at the latest. I want to pull my hair out. He fights me on everything from dinner to naps. I finally walked away from the daily nap battle today. Which is why he is sleeping in the doorway of his room where right before he fell asleep he was screaming and kicking the living shit out of the baby gate. I felt like smoke was going to come out of my ears, which is why I just walked out and into my room to start working on this blog entry. If it weren't for this blog and my daily gym visits, I would be guzzling wine and smoking a ton of cigarettes while running down the street screeching and bald-headed.
I am ready to get back just 10% of the "me" before marriage and children. There were so many things I loved to do that were healthy and active and fun. I want to be able to do those things again, if only to keep me mentally healthy and sane. My husband and I are due some couple time after 12 long years together. We spent 5 years on the infertility roller coaster and another one on the adoption train. Those two things can test a marriage just like an affair or finances. Trust me.
Still, when WA calls me "mommy", or plants a random kiss on my cheek or comes and sits in my lap to snuggle, I seem to forget all of those tantrums, body slams, and face slaps.
I just don't want to go through it again. the Terrible Twos, I mean. I am satisfied with my life and with WA. He brings me enough joy. I cant say that I didn't walk into my guest room yesterday afternoon and wonder how I would set up a new nursery, but my life is so full that a negative pregnancy test doesn't matter nearly as much as it used to. And I really don't want to spend months agonizing over wether or not the pregnancy will stick. Suffering a miscarriage is devastating in itself. I've had two.
I know how lucky I am with WA, please don't misunderstand me. I was in a very dark childless place for a long time. I am thankful God blessed me with him, but I just know he is all I can handle. I don't know how all of you with 2+ children do it, but I will eternally admire you!
Besides, I need God to bless my friend "E" with a little angel. I don't need another one.
Happy Mommyhood!
Mallorie
Your words are very honest (as always) and pure. No condemnation here. This is great confirmation that you are where you are supposed to be in life and with your family. I can totally relate. I'm ok that all my baby items went to help pay for Blake's mission trip to Ireland, and I don't have a boy. I'm not so sure I was meant for more. And I've got peace with that. It feels good. :) Love you!!
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