Nine Eleven

I have tried to start this blog entry many, many, many times.

I just cant find the right words to truly express the feelings Im feeling.

Im sure most of America is in the same boat tonight and tomorrow.

It sucks.  Im angry.  Im sad.  Im confused.  Im traumatized.  Im devastated.

The only thing I can type without backing up, or starting over is that on September 11, 2001, I was 24 years old.  I had returned to my apartment in the Brookhaven area of Atlanta the night before from Philadelphia, PA.  My husband called me just after 9am that morning and was shouting at me to turn on the news.  I was walking out of the bathroom in hospital scrub pants and a liquor promo t-shirt half asleep.  I turned on the little tube TV we had in our room on the dresser just in time to see the second plane slam into the World Trade Center and I swear I will never forget the anchorperson losing it on national television.  I must have hung up on my husband and stood there in shock for what seemed like hours...because the next thing I remember is working at Chili's as a waitress and taking food to the bloodbank up the street and seeing lines and lines and lines of people out the door donating blood.

That is my experience from that day.  There are moments of total clarity, and then moments I had totally blacked out.  I think all of us have those types of memories.  And like I said, it sucks.

Love,

WA's Momma

The Difference A Year Makes...

Wow.

One year ago today I ran my first foot race.  It was only 3 miles and I am still working on trying to run the entire thing, but again, wow.  What a difference a year makes.  I am smoke free, skinnier, healthier and much much happier.  I am in the gym six days a week and love every minute of it.  Never thought I would hear myself say that.  Three years ago, I was creeping up on 200 pounds, pre-diabetic, a smoker and a lush.

I have signed up for a 5K (or 10K) pretty much every month since and I have a race scheduled every month for the rest of this year.  Ive also beat my first race with my latest race by a whole 8 minutes.  And don't forget, I ran a 5K while on vacation.  I am a totally different person!  And I love it!

Ive also added a few more athletic events to my schedule.  On Tuesday, instead of Ladies Night Out at the bar, we will be rock climbing at SportRock Alexandria.  In October, I will be competing in my first ever golf tournament.  So what if I am doing it for the female camaraderie and the beer (maybe you cant rule out the lush part entirely, yet)?  And let me add, there are some serious obstacle courses in my future...Big Hoo Yah, anyone?

And the best reason for all of these races, golf tournaments and obstacle courses?  Fundraising!  Ive raised money for food for the homeless, pediatric/breast/lung cancer, teen mothers, the YMCA support campaign (which is close to my heart), Special Olympics, Ronald McDonald House Charities (also close to my heart and where I happily got to reside when WA was in NICU) and many more!  It is a great feeling to be able to give back to your community!

And living a healthy lifestyle for my awesome kid is the best thing I can do for him!

Cheers!

WA's Momma

Mommyland Part II, no thank you...

This post could condemn me to Mommy Hell, or maybe some of you will identify.  As I am typing, my son is taking his nap in front of his bedroom door, on the floor where he finally gave up his tantrum.  More on that later...

I went in for a sonogram on Wednesday.  I am being fitted for an IUD and they just wanted to take a look.  Well, I went in for birth control and came out with a lab slip for a pregnancy test.  Ironic?  Stranger things have happened.  My cousin went in for birth control after the birth of her first child and came out pregnant with twins.  God bless her.  She was blessed with the most patience out of all of us.  Clearly she was due it since God had this plan set for her life.  Now back to me...

Anyway, I got the results today and it was negative.  You would think with my history of infertility this would make me sad.  But I am actually happy.  I am ready to be active again and plan adventurous outings for my myself, me and my husband, and some for the three of us as a family.  My son is getting older and his abilities to participate in things like team sports are increasing.  I don't want to start all over. 

Okay, those of you that want to condemn me to mommy-hell, go right ahead.  Having another child might be what is best for you, but I don't think it is what is best for me.  Here are some more reasons why:

I didn't like children before I had them.  Okay, maybe that is too harsh. I was intimidated by children.  I still am.  Especially other peoples' children.  They are these tiny little things who have a sinister way of getting things when they want them.

I don't have much patience.  I have very bad heart health history in my family.  I have always had low blood pressure...until WA entered the world of the Terrible Twos.  I mean, he struck that shit with a vengeance.  My sister called him "Chill Will" for the first year of his life.  He was always quiet, observant, well behaved.  I thought, "wow, I am so lucky".  Those days are gone.  He is a destructive, violent, smart-mouthed, tantrum throwing boy.  At night I am so spent I cant even read a book or watch a movie anymore.  I'm asleep by 10pm at the latest.  I want to pull my hair out.  He fights me on everything from dinner to naps.  I finally walked away from the daily nap battle today.  Which is why he is sleeping in the doorway of his room where right before he fell asleep he was screaming and kicking the living shit out of the baby gate.  I felt like smoke was going to come out of my ears, which is why I just walked out and into my room to start working on this blog entry.  If it weren't for this blog and my daily gym visits, I would be guzzling wine and smoking a ton of cigarettes while running down the street screeching and bald-headed.

I am ready to get back just 10% of the "me" before marriage and children.  There were so many things I loved to do that were healthy and active and fun.  I want to be able to do those things again, if only to keep me mentally healthy and sane.  My husband and I are due some couple time after 12 long years together.  We spent 5 years on the infertility roller coaster and another one on the adoption train.  Those two things can test a marriage just like an affair or finances.  Trust me.

Still, when WA calls me "mommy", or plants a random kiss on my cheek or comes and sits in my lap to snuggle, I seem to forget all of those tantrums, body slams, and face slaps.

I just don't want to go through it again.  the Terrible Twos, I mean.  I am satisfied with my life and with WA.  He brings me enough joy.  I cant say that I didn't walk into my guest room yesterday afternoon and wonder how I would set up a new nursery, but my life is so full that a negative pregnancy test doesn't matter nearly as much as it used to.  And I really don't want to spend months agonizing over wether or not the pregnancy will stick.  Suffering a miscarriage is devastating in itself.  I've had two. 

I know how lucky I am with WA, please don't misunderstand me.  I was in a very dark childless place for a long time.  I am thankful God blessed me with him, but I just know he is all I can handle.  I don't know how all of you with 2+ children do it, but I will eternally admire you!

Besides, I need God to bless my friend "E" with a little angel.  I don't need another one.

Happy Mommyhood!

Mallorie

Bucket Lists and 5 Year Plans...

I have been thinking a lot about Bucket Lists and Five Year Plans. 

My newest issue of Self magazine has a great article on how to create a Five Year Plan, and research suggests its great for everyone to have one.  So I am working on mine.

I have set some reachable goals for the near future.  I'm not sure if you would consider them "bucket list items" or plans I have for myself in the next five years, but what's the difference?  I'll reach them anyway...

For one thing, I decided I wanted to learn how to rock climb.  With the recent revival of "girls night out", I thought this was a fitting outing.  We don't want to spend all of our nights out involved in just drunken debauchery.  We are all active and athletic (mostly) young (under 40) ladies.  We want to do something fun and exciting.  Binge drinking and getting phone numbers was so "twenties" for us.  In other words, we have almost twenty years of experience, we already mastered that.  We have moved on to more challenging goals.  At least that is what we are telling ourselves these days.  So we enrolled in a rock climbing course/outing that lasts 4 hours.  Cant wait!  I'm afraid of heights.

Next on my immediate goals is Fencing.  I do not know anything about fencing but it looks snobby and different so we are going to break on in to that crowd and see if we like it.  Its only $60 for an 8 week course, so what the hell?

And on my usual and normal list, I will continue my French lessons, road races (adding some bicycle ones) and tennis.  Stay tuned for awesome pictures of my newest and super fun goals!

Before I was a wife and a mother, I loved motorcycles (so much), kayaking, hiking and writing.  I'll get back to those as well.  Still working on the motorcycle thing with my Kentucky Gentleman.  He's a little nervous.  The good news is, we have a neighbor with a bike.  Hee hee.

Cheers!

W.A.'s Momma

Grandmothers and Grandmothers

Me and Grandma Edna, 1978

Recently, I learned an old friend's grandmother passed away.  His news reminded me of my grandmother and made the grief fresh again.  We spoke over the phone briefly, and I could just tell how "beat up" he sounded.  I lost my Grandma Edna three years ago this December.  I know how he is feeling right now.  Its terrible.

I miss so many things about her.  I miss her apple turnovers in the Fall.  I miss her smell.  It was her cosmetic powder from Lady Love.  I miss her love for her roses and her garden.  I miss her sewing dresses for all seven of her granddaughters at Easter.  I miss how she always inadvertently left a $20 bill out of someone's Christmas card.  She had a lot of grandchildren to remember.  I miss her housecoats and her permanents.  I miss her voice when she sang in the choir, one of the reasons I still cannot sit through a church service without crying.

Most of all, I miss her really really tight hugs and the lipstick she left on your face after kissing you.  I will always hold these memories so clear in my heart.  But it hurts sometimes knowing they are only memories now.

Sincerely,

W.A.'s Momma